Thursday, 6 March 2008

"The Greatest Fear."

My greatest fear can be expressed through a recurring daydream I indulge in.

I’m not afraid of death; more afraid of something that could manifest itself beyond death. Since I don’t know what comes after we shuffle off this mortal rock, the idea presented here simply represents what is absolutely the most optimistic ideal.

I die. Then there’s the tunnel, the light at the end, the whole shebang. Family and friends wave me along the last road I’ll ever walk down to the destination my whole life has been leading towards. The pearly gates rise before me, magnificent in their scale and surpassing anything human artisans could achieve in their wildest imaginings. I walk or float or move somehow towards that portal that will finally take me away from human frailty.

My consciousness achieves transcendence or nirvana or harmony or whatever you want to call it and I move into the presence of the creator: God, destiny, karma, Allah, ka, the Force, everything in one. I gaze into the face of the universe and the relief of a life spent searching washes over me. It’s finally all over: the trials and testing, the doubt and denials, the confusing and meandering journey of life. Finally I stand before the universe and my quest is at an end.

As I gaze up at It, the words won’t form in my mouth because I want to savour the moment as much as possible. All roads have led here. Every event has been part of a chain to reach this point. Finally the pointless excursions on Earth are over and the answer will be revealed.

And I ask the questions I’ve asked my entire life, the questions that have haunted my thoughts for years upon years, the questions that have defined my very existence by their unrelenting presence: “What is the meaning of everything? What is the purpose of biological life? What is the universe? Why were we here?”

And It turns all the attention in the cosmos towards me and I feel like this is it, the end of the path at last, the answers to all my searchings. The trumpets raise to a thunderous crescendo as my life’s quest is finally, finally, vindicated and I know that I was right to spend all my time searching because the answers are about to be given.

The universe, God, turns to me and It says:

“You mean you don’t know. I was going to ask you!”

And that’s my greatest fear: that God Itself is oblivious to the true nature of everything and that humanity is doomed to never reach ultimate resolution.

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